Survival of the Fittest

Survival of the Fittest. A phrase tossed around so often that over time its original meaning seems to be lost in translation. Let’s talk about it for a bit to see if we can straighten it out.

What comes to mind when thinking about “fit”? Possibly something like this…

Or this….

Or even this…

Makes sense. All of these concepts have something to do with being “fit” at least in our cultural definition of the idea. However, in our currently shifting paradigm, we must look at the connections between these viewpoints and see that it is the ability to adapt that helps one survive through almost anything. Adaptability… resilience…strength…this idea can be framed differently depending upon the context, but the end result is similar – and we can use the Essential Elements of Life™ to help us manifest this state within our own lives. How? Follow me on a little journey to find out more…

Misunderstanding Darwin

To start, let’s take a look at the theory that spawned the cliche. Where did this theory come from? Well, we can thank Charles Darwin for bringing this phrase into the mainstream, way back in the 1850s. A man of God, but scientifically curious, Darwin took many chances in his lifetime by sharing his scientific ideas, theories, and research with the mainstream. He struggled to connect what he believed in with what he could see and spent his life working to reconcile the two ways of life.

Of course, once a theory is introduced to the world, other humans come along to misconstrue it, and this happened often to Darwin. Many of Darwin’s theories have been twisted over time, but none more detrimental to the ACTUAL survival of our species than his ideas regarding the concept of survival and of being fit. His work on the Galapagos Islands focused on why animals thrived there, away from so much of the world. His research on finches, and their extraordinary adaptive existence even from other types of finches on the island, led him to discover that: individuals of a species are not identical (Darwin).

There were three other major theories he surmised:

Traits are passed from generation to generation
More offspring are born than can survive
Only the survivors of the competition for resources will reproduce

All of these ideas focus on “adaptability” as a strength, rather than strength as a means to an end.

Survival of the Fittest: DEFINED

The original definition of “survival of the fittest” says: “the continued existence of organisms which are best adapted to their environment, with the extinction of others, as a concept in the Darwinian theory of evolution” (oxford languages). This doesn’t specifically mean strong, it means capable; it doesn’t mean power, it means adapting effectively in order to allow for the survival of a species. Essentially, Darwin surmised that the fittest individuals who are able to best adapt to their environment “will leave the most copies of itself in successive generations.”(Spencer, 1864)

Finding Adaptability

Survival can mean many things depending upon where we live, how we live, and which level of Maslow’s hierarchy we exist within during different phases of our lives. Personally, I have struggled with the idea of survival meaning “reproductive success” as I was someone born without the ability to reproduce. For whatever reason, as there is nothing specific in my past to pinpoint where my issue started, it was not in the cards for me to be consumed with the survival of my own offspring. It wasn’t easy, at first, to accept this idea, and I fought it for quite a while. However, after a few years of stress, trials, tribulations, more stress, tears, fights, pleas, etc. I have been able to work through this and find peace.

While it wasn’t easy, I share this not for pity, but for clarity. Many people (although the trends are definitely changing here), accept the fact that they will have children and those children will become the focus of their lives for different periods of time. Some want children to carry on a legacy, others find joy in caretaking, some want a chance to help a human grow in a healthy and happy way, still others want them as an insurance policy for old age. ☻ I wanted all of those things and more. Once I accepted it wasn’t going to happen for me, I had times of depression, self-doubt, and eventually resignation.

Moving Forward

Thankfully, my story didn’t end there. Our souls were meant to create, I just had to come to the conclusion that my “creation” would be something besides a smaller version of my husband and me. Working through the lessons added to the Essential Elements of Life™ (before they were an actual philosophy), helped me to discover my actual purpose. This in itself was a form of “adaptability”.

Some people, once they find a goal, can become obsessed with that one thing. I have spoken with so many people, and read so many articles, comments, and threads, filled with people desiring ONE outcome (a baby, a certain school, a particular person, a specific goal). Believing this is their ultimate purpose, they are set on never moving forward until those things are attained. The longer this goes on, the more desperate they become, and they can easily become consumed by regret (if it never happens), spite, or even disappointment (when one attains the goal but turns out it wasn’t really what their soul was searching). All of this feeds upon itself and leads to many unhappy humans.

Adaptability seems unrealistic to these unhappy humans. Changing course seems unthinkable, and this has led to a multitude of our species simply giving up. This is who I am working to help. To show people who feel stuck that, like me, they too can find a way to find fulfillment even if things haven’t worked out perfectly (or even close).

Sacrifice is necessary to find our way

Sacrifice is difficult because it almost always brings with it pain. Living creatures spend a lot of their lives moving away from pain and towards comfort, always updating their environment to help provide the most comfortable way of life. To illustrate, let us think of life as a game where each phase of life is a different playing field.

Life puts obstacles, adventures, and mishaps in our path to teach us what we need to know to get to a new level. Only then, once we have learned these lessons, can we step up to a new challenge and progress to our highest potential. But these obstacles, adventures, and mishaps take work, energy, and effort to conquer. This is the tradeoff of sacrifice – we give our energy to understand and clear the hurdle and we are then rewarded for our pain and suffering with wisdom and hopefully a better circumstance.

If we decide that we do not want to sacrifice, then we have to find ways of getting around, mitigating, or avoiding the obstacles we come across. When humans feel stress, it makes them feel that they are already sacrificing just by being alive and making it through each day. Many people give up or don’t even want to try anymore. Many feel that the playing field has been tampered with or booby-trapped, and there is no fair way to win. This is the current state of our world.

I understand this, and in some ways very much agree, however, I know a secret. I know how to win because I am winning, and I have spent a lot of time finding out how to teach others to do the same.

Creating the Essential Elements of Life™

Looking at my situation as a question instead of a problem I asked myself: “what am I here to do?” “What are the natural talents my soul can offer the world?”

I have spent the years since expanding my knowledge in the areas that I cared about: the human condition, culture, goal achievement, fulfillment, happiness (& unhappiness), change, etc. I have worked to understand what connects us, what we need for the future, and how best to help those discouraged about their circumstances to find fulfillment. Out of all of this information, experiments, trials, and more I crafted a paradigm called the Essential Elements of Life™

This is what I have to offer the world. It is always morphing, changing, and expanding, but the main tenets – the ten concepts all humans must understand and plan for – have remained the same. My hope is that they assist others struggling to find their place in this world. My hope is that these teachings and ideas help other humans to become “fit” and able to survive no matter what may come.

Why learn the Essential Elements of Life™?

Learning and living the Essential elements of life™ is about knowing yourself and how best to work within the concepts of the universe, of what comes, rather than push them away, obfuscate, or hide.

Coexisting with Change, Examining Expectations, Deliberating Decisions, Embracing Emotions – the Stepping Stones, or the first set, of the Essential Elements of Life™ help us to learn better how to successfully navigate life and all the challenges that may come our way.

It doesn’t matter if you like or dislike change, making decisions, the expectations that you or others have, or the emotions that arise within. It’s about understanding how these things affect you and having the ability to create a strategy to best continue to thrive even when outside forces disrupt our rhythm.

If we do not first understand the aspects of our rhythm, then these concepts will continue to put up barriers to the life we really want.

The Essential Elements of Life™ are all about building resilience to the multiple difficult concepts we all experience throughout our lives. They are lessons and teachings that put a name to our stressors, break open blockages from past trauma, and allow us to free ourselves from the chains of unrealistic expectations and emotions. Understanding these lessons allows one to create their own definition of success, their own path to fulfillment, and not only survive but thrive.

Don’t worry about the cat

There is a theory that one may have heard of regarding Schrödinger’s cat. It states that:

“if you place a cat and something that could kill the cat (a radioactive atom) in a box and sealed it, you would not know if the cat was dead or alive until you opened the box, so that until the box was opened, the cat was (in a sense) both “dead and alive”. (wikipedia.org)

Many people live their lives this way. Our minds falsely tell us that not making a decision allows us to live in a suspended state with no repercussions. Well not making a decision is often a decision within itself and can lead to unintended consequences for which we are not ready.

I’m not saying make decisions on a whim. It is important to contemplate decisions, and to plan for the future, but it is just as important to balance this contemplation in order for us to manifest our destiny. Remaining stuck in suspended animation living the same loop day after day is living a life of fear. Life already gives us enough to fear, why bring more undue stress and turmoil to our daily lives?

Our species needs to move away from that mindset towards a more balanced attitude. All of our futures depend on it. Only by deciding can we become attuned with our environment. Only by taking a chance can we grow our resilience and adaptability.

When one learns the Stepping Stones of the Essential Elements of Life™ one can break free of this “stuckness”. It no longer matters if the cat is dead, alive or otherwise.

What matters is that we become equipped to handle as many of the outcomes as possible.

This is what it means to live the ways of “survival of the fittest”.

Beware: As society wilts, self-preservation takes over

Self-preservation: the protection of oneself from harm or death, especially regarded as a basic instinct in human beings and animals. (merriamwebster.com)

Self-preservation is a skill that is important for life to continue, it’s what helps us anticipate risk and keep us safe. This historically instinctual habit seems inherent, something that will simply kick in when necessary. However, this skill is connected to our emotions, as most human concepts are, and anything that deals with emotions can be manipulated and twisted if we are not careful.

Learning from the past

Self-preservation is something I know a lot about, for while I was born during a time of relative peace, my own personal life was full of dissonance, chaos, and ambiguity. My parents divorced when I was six; a messy and angry divorce full of hurt feelings and a lot of pain.

Adults surrounding me during this time were young, inexperienced, and grew more and more self-absorbed as time went on, focused solely on finding their way out of the hell they had created. I could feel, even at six, that this path they were traveling was too much for them, and I “knew” they would be unable to help me in my quest: my quest to not just stay alive, but to explore and understand the world, and to become a happy, well-adjusted person who lived a meaningful life.

Finding A Way Forward

In order to combat this war zone that constantly affected my life, I started to tap into my self-preservation. Planning for the future became my life, learning as much about the outside world as possible was my duty, so that I could create the best possible life and fortify it against any chaos that could disrupt it.

Things grew worse as my parents separated and new adults entered my life. Stepparents that either wanted to hurt me, control me, or act spitefully towards me became overbearing; heavy blankets that threatened to crush me before I was able to reach my dreams. Still, I soldiered on, knowing that someday, if I could just keep pushing forward, I could be far away from them and anyone that hurt me. Gratefully, my self-preservation muscles grew strong and resilient.

A Saving Grace

In my life, self-preservation was my savior. I learned what I needed from books, movies, television, school, and I learned what NOT to do by watching almost everyone around me. Admittedly, not everyone was horrible all the time. Bright spots popped up providing me solace and love at different times of my life, but often were fleeting or intermittent, and soon enough the blanket of tyranny was back again.

Self-preservation became my saving grace and helped me to not only create a life I love dearly but (probably more importantly) become the person I am today. Resiliency took time, and I stumbled a lot, but having that vision of what I wanted my life to become really helped me face my fears AND my failures as I moved through time.

Perhaps one may feel that this is the end of the story. A story of triumph, of learning, of strife and perseverance. While I hope that my story brings a speck of inspiration to others in a similar experience, my story must be balanced with the nuance necessary for our environment today.

The nuance of self-preservation

Self-preservation can be a helpful ingredient to pull us from despair and help us achieve our goals. However, too much self-preservation can lead us to an insular, wary, suspicious existence if we are not careful. Earlier I mentioned that I grew up in a time of relative peace. It was my internal world that was at war.

Our environment is an important part of the equation as the right thing at the wrong time can cause disastrous results. While doing the hard work of becoming who we are meant to be, we must have a safe space to run to when that work becomes exhausting. Having only my internal world to fight but an external world of peace allowed me to retain and strengthen the necessary Moxy I would need to survive my internal chaos, while still reaching out and connecting with the world around me. Remember the bright spots? That was what I was hoping to recreate consistently in my world. Remember the media that I absorbed? Much of it was extremely age-appropriate while sharing a world of connectedness, caring, adventure and peace.

A different world

We do not live in that same environment today. Our outside world is chaotic, fear-inducing, and full of the unknown. Environments of this sort can cause our connections to break down, and we shrink our physical world. We close ranks in order to keep our loved ones safe. Adding even more self-preservation to this equation pushes all of us further into our homes and creates enemies everywhere.

Throughout these hard times, we need to remember that our connections are what make life worth living and add to our overall well-being. Technology cannot save us from this fact. Humans will always need each other even we would like to wish this were not the case.

People are starting to feel abandoned. Abandoned by their governments, their communities, their neighbors, friends, and families. This can make us want to run away, hide away, and only deal with what is right in front of us.

The kicker is that this is a good place to start.

The issue is, this is no place to stay.

Where to Start

Gaining a better sense of self-preservation to get your “ish” together is necessary during hard times. Times where resources are tight, life is difficult, and chaos reigns. Today, we live in a world where distractions are overwhelming. Where you can find anything and everything you would want to “feel good” allowing us to disregard our conscience and our need for self-preservation. Similar to the frog slowly boiling in the pot, our self-preservation can be overwhelmed with slow, consistent pain.

So please, do look inward to deal with emotional baggage, define dreams, and create a vision for the future.

However, remember to balance that with the relationships we need to help us remember we are a species that thrives when we have connection. Disconnection leads to isolation, depression, added anxiety, and shortens our lives. So, how do we balance self-preservation and connection?

How to Balance

*Create Your Culture – We like to think about culture in terms of food, clothing, and holidays, but culture starts with our beliefs, values, and attitudes. Take a look at this picture – each of these concepts can look different depending on where we live.

How would each of these concepts be described in your life? If you have never thought about a concept before, do research before going with your gut feelings.

*Define your Tribe – Think about all of the relationships you had 5 years ago, how many still exist in your life today?

Research has shown that the pandemic has decimated our weak ties – “people that live on the periphery of our lives”. Those people that added something nice to our day, or friends we do not talk to often, are just as important to keep us tethered to humanity as our everyday tribe members. Weak ties can help us exercise our empathy muscles in new ways, keeping them in shape for when we really need them.

Old Templates Die Hard

Change is hard. Fighting against the overwhelming barrage of distractions is difficult. This is why our world is dying. But there is hope. We can both strengthen our self-preservation AND keep our connections strong, we just need help to see how. The old templates we were taught will not work as effectively any longer. We must find new ways to create our path forward. We all want a world where we feel comfortable, where we feel cared for and about, where we can live our purpose. Following the Essential Elements of Life can provide a new template to bring about that future for us all.

If you, or someone you know, is struggling with all of the change, finding difficulty dealing with emotional pain, hurt feelings, or distractions please check out our programs and see how we can help.

The End of an Era leads to a New Horizon

A pendulum’s momentum eventually stalls if the energies surrounding it equalize for too long. It will swing gently back and forth until the friction between the air and its mass conflict at the same rate. So goes our world; slowly stopped over the past decade as the chaos of our world, and our ever-changing minds, have acted like gravity in our social space. Changes often bring an end, but also start the dawn of a new beginning; one that if we start to plan for now can bring about a brighter future.

A new era is being ushered in, one full of Yin energy, the opposite of what we have experienced in the last few centuries. It is a time for rest, strategy, and holistic ideas, an exciting time but also one of immense pain for those unaware or unprepared. New environments and lots of change make humans uneasy, especially change that exists outside of our control.

One may feel they are being tossed along the waves and experience difficulty gaining a solid footing. This discombobulation often leads to pain, confusion, and despair. While the time has passed for finding a way to escape this period of life, there is a way to find the balance we crave. Taking on the adventure of finding our rhythm, working to banish the distractions that stop us from finding harmony, and gaining comfort with ambiguity can help us plan for what is coming next.

The effects of Change

Time is ever moving, it never recedes, but humans historically have been spared from dealing with such heavy effects in such a short period of life. Past changes were often difficult to see until they were past their tipping point, but the more unstable our society, the faster the pace of change. Expanding our view globally exacerbates the number of changes that affect us, and can easily become overwhelming in our digital age.

While some can see this quick pace of change as exhilarating, and look to welcome this sea of change with open arms, others, especially those who have led fairly predictable lives, can crumble under the weight of ambiguity. This can help explain why some have expanded their communities to include people across the world while some become more insular and focused only on what is in front of them. The conflict that arises between people on these different change spectrums only adds to the frustration, confusion, and pain.

Changes abound

Think of the number of times we have heard the words “unprecedented” or “never before seen”. Endings happen when many new things start appearing.

A snippet of shifts happening at once:

The Great Resignation confusion – low unemployment but we have the most people quitting at one time ever. Employers a bit unsettled that they may have lost the upper hand.
The Changing Weather – Higher highs, lower lows, snow in the south, but none in the west. Regardless of why it is happening, our weather patterns are changing.
Conservative business men are “freedom fighters” and liberal tree huggers are “draconian” – I’ll just leave that there….we have a lot of work to do…
White men feel like victims in a world they have ruled for centuries.
Our technology is what both keeps us together during covid, but also drives us further into isolation and loneliness.
Our globe has grown more democratic, but also more selfish over the past decades.

Find your Change Rhythm

Endings are tough, especially when they do not end happily or willingly. During times of change, people become fearful of losing what they have and losing their station in life. This is natural. We work hard for what we have, and want to keep what we have gained. But we must be wary about succumbing to this fear and causing greater problems. This fear can grow dangerous when we start to see others as the enemy and start to hide away from those we used to trust. This fear strengthens our need for safety which drives us further apart.

Instead, we must recognize that it is our struggle against this change that causes our pain. Change will happen whether we like it or not, but we can always change ourselves to maintain our vision. The more we struggle against it only prolongs the pain. Learning how to better manage change can make the process easier.

A Change, according to renowned Organizational Change expert William Bridges, consists of three main phases: An Ending, A Neutral Zone of uncertainty, and A New beginning, and each of us reacts uniquely within each phase. To help clarify these phases, my synopsis is below. Understanding these ideas can help to refine our relationship with change.

Endings come with emotions. These emotions must be felt, understood, and let go before one can leave this stage fully.
Uncertainty/Ambiguity comes with questions. These questions bring anxiety, depression, aggression, and fear. These symptoms can only be quelled by finding the answers to the questions.
A New Beginning can only be reached if you know what it is “supposed to look like“. Paint a detailed picture of what you are working towards so that you know when you have reached it.

Start a New Beginning Today

What to do when you realize that the environment calls for change and it starts with changing yourself?

Start getting back to the basics: Determining what we really NEED not just what we WANT.

We NEED each other. Period. It may not seem so, but we can only survive together. Our world has grown richer, resources are more prevalent, and technology allows us the option of a single life. Psychology Today said it well: “More affluence leads to a greater sense of self-reliance and a detachment from others.” But we give up a lot when we create this type of life. We more easily fall into isolation, depression and suffer from anxiety. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University, found that loneliness and social isolation are twice as harmful to physical and mental health as obesity (Perspectives on Psychological Science, Vol. 10, No. 2, 2015).

We NEED to remove distractions and regain our connection with nature. This connection allows us to better anticipate the winds of change and better prepare for the future we really want. Removing distractions can be hard because as the smoke clears, all of the emotions we have pushed away come rushing back. Doing this work is hard, and it’s often better with a guide. I use the Essential Elements of Life to guide my students towards building resiliency and finding peace free from their emotional baggage. Please check us out if you are in need, but even if we are not the right fit for you I implore you to seek assistance when searching your soul.

An Ending of Hope

This will not be easy, it will not be quick, but if we start today we WILL see the fruits of our labor sometime soon. Start talking to each other, learning about each other, discovering more about our values, morals, goals, and dreams. Let go of the need to “one-up” someone, let go of the spite, release the hurt, see that we have a chance. A chance to create the world anew, the chance to find ourselves again.

Endings bring fear, but they can also bring hope. When change comes we can run, but we can never hide. It ebbs and flows throughout our lives and is necessary for growth. Growth creates maturity and helps us learn the mysteries of life. If we can find the courage to stand and face our fear, we start our journey to find our rhythm and create a life of harmony and balance.

Before you set a goal work to Find Your Rhythm

It’s that time of year again! The time of year where everyone puts their best foot forward sets new goals or resolutions that they want to achieve and sets forth with aggressive enthusiasm.

I think it’s wonderful that so many people use the renewal and birth of the new year to reset their intentions and work towards creating a better, healthier, and more balanced life. However, way too often these new year resolutions fall by the wayside earlier than we would like.

On average, most people were only able to keep a new resolution for 36 days in 2020, according to a recent poll by OnePoll, data that seems to disagree with the common understanding that most habits can be created or broken within a month. (This common understanding has been debunked many times, even though it is still perpetuated across society)

Why does this happen?

There are many reasons why we do not reach a goal, some of them include:

Unrealistic goals
- In one 2014 study, 35% of participants who failed their New Year’s Resolutions said they had unrealistic goals.
Lack of a plan
- over half of the respondents (58 percent) said figuring out how to make new positive habits stick during this time was “next to impossible.”
Negative Connotations
- Psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert told Business Insider People often don’t make their resolutions specific enough, they’re worded too negatively, and they’re not relevant to the individual, he said. (New Year’s Resolution Statistics (2021 Updated) – Discover Happy Habits)

These are all valid and correct, but in my years of research, I can now conclude that all of these reasons are secondary to the main reason we struggle to attain our visions – because they do not fit with our personal Rhythm.

Defining Rhythm

Each of us has a unique frequency that vibrates out into the Universe and our life is created by the reverberations of those frequencies. The harmony (or disharmony) of these reverberations create our Rhythm. Essentially our Rhythm is our personal connection to the world.

External issues such as trouble manifesting your vision, awkward or unfulfilling relationships, stress, overexertion, and many of our mental ills come from not understanding our rhythm or how to flow with it.

Defining our Rhythm helps us to see what fits in our world and what doesn’t. Finding our Rhythm helps us understand ourselves – who we really are, our capacities, our triggers, our emotions – and then rid ourselves of the harmful pieces that do not serve us or allow us to live at our highest and best.

A Rose by any other name…

This concept I call Rhythm has been discussed before in different terms and from different perspectives. Rhythm, Flow, Balance, Harmony, Chi – these similar concepts all run parallel to the idea of being in tune with your environment and working with the energy instead of against it.

Harmony – defined as the quality of forming a pleasing and consistent whole.
Chi – (also spelled qi) is defined as the vital life force or energy that runs through all living beings. It is the essence of existence that flows through each of us, uniting the body, mind, and spirit.
Flow– is defined as a state of mind in which a person becomes fully immersed in an activity. Psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi describes flow as a state of complete immersion in an activity. While in this mental state, people are completely involved and focused on what they are doing.

Harmonious Dissonance

Rhythm is composed of both our energy vibrations and the stillness we allow in between. The stillness is just as important as stillness can quell the aggravation we feel when the objects around us are not working together to create harmony.

When there are multiple vibrations or sounds happening at the same time they can either become harmonious or dissonant. Harmony makes us feel better, it helps us enjoy the beauty of the instruments and we can often get feelings of euphoria, relaxation, and calm when hearing beautiful music.

Dissonances between us and areas of our life can create stress, anxiety, depression, and other emotional issues that can trap us from finding balance and peace. (Once we are more healed we can add some practical Dissonance back, but we first need to heal in order to create a good foundation. While distasteful to many, Dissonance still has beauty, as it creates space for change and growth pushing us to a new level of understanding.)

What we Gain

Clearing out some of the dissonances from our Rhythm can help us:

Gain focus and live life purposefully
Find Balance between the Harmony & Dissonance
Create Peace for ourselves and others
Feel Better overall

Finding our Rhythm helps us better gauge what is meant for us. Our Rhythm helps us see which goals or resolutions can help us become who we really want to be and it allows us to create a realistic plan that fits within our nature.

What we ALL Gain

When we work on actively understanding our Rhythm we gain much of the benefits of self-care but not in a selfish way. Much of the promotion of self-care over the past years focuses on only what we need within. This is a very necessary first step and correlates greatly with Finding One’s Rhythm, however, it is only half of the equation.

Research has shown that promoting “mindfulness”, a type of self-care, in a population that already is independently minded rather than collectively minded pushes us to hold our own self-worth and view it as unbreakable and whoever tries to reason differently with us is the enemy and should be ignored. That is the exact opposite of what we want in a world that is so severely divided.

Focusing only on ourselves, especially in an already independently-minded population can cause us to retreat back to that comfort zone with no plan to re-enter the world. America is a good example of this as we are extremely independent culturally. Think of all the people who have thin skin today, how one comment can cause us to fly off the handle, the aggression that seems to never dissipate.

Getting to know our Rhythm allows us a space to get in touch with ourselves, but also gives the necessary space that allows other people’s rhythm to grow into harmony with us, rather than working to separate us. This helps us focus on goals and resolutions that serve us and could also serve others in our environment.

Interested in learning more about Rhythm and how to find yours? Please continue to follow this blog.

Ready to start finding your unique Rhythm? Sign up for our new program “Find Balance & Create Peace by finding your Rhythm” starting Spring 2022.

Until next time, take care and live gently.

You are not alone.

It won’t be enough, but please know I hear you and you are not alone.

I hear you even when your tears rush silently down your cheeks.

I hear you when you ask “why me? why us?” when you feel overwhelmed at the unfairness and grief.

I hear when you act strong for others even though you are crumbling inside.

I feel when your soul aches for hope, aches for rest and aches for calm.

I feel you when your heart sinks at the thought of taking one more step.

I feel you when you just want to give up because it is all too much.

Please know your journey matters. Your journey is powerful. Your journey is true.

Please know you are loved. Please know you are cherished. Please take one more breath, try one more day, and please reach out for help.

Feel not like a burden when asking for help, you may instead be another’s wish. For each of us wishes to care, to help, and to provide love. Humans are meant to live a collective experience, and we all have our part to play. We will be there when you need, as you need, how you need. All you must do is ask.

The nature of change that brings our pain also helps the pain (eventually) subside. Even the winter must recede to allow Spring to have its time. So is the truth of our lives, meant to be filled with times of joy and times of grief. A small bit of solace, I must admit, but a day will come where once again a smile will be found on your lips and peace will once again grow in your heart.

If ever you need we will be there, for you are not alone.

Resources:

The 7 Best Online Grief Support Groups of 2021 (verywellmind.com)
Essential Elements of Life
Transitions by William Bridges

Sending love, light, and comfort to all who can see this. Sincerely, Jessica

Scaling Maslow’s Hierarchy – America’s Divorce

I know divorce. It was a concept introduced to me at age six, when my young parents succumbed to their desires for more and decided to dissolve their marriage. The most destructive event in all of our lives, it threatened to destroy not only our family, but each of us involved either by choice or circumstance. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly, so when I see our leaders asking if America should get divorced, or that many citizens are ready for secession, appalled or astounded doesn’t begin to describe my feelings. Flippantly, we throw around this heavy word, with little regard for neither the horrific experience nor the externalities divorce creates. Want to know what is in store if we decide to tread this path? Perhaps after our journey today, some will be a bit more careful when discussing “America’s divorce”.

A growing trend

Divorce was still a relatively rare concept when I was young, at least in small towns across America. In fact, my best friend and I were the only school mates in our grade to experience this concept personally in elementary school. Thankfully, her parents divorced after mine, so they could learn some lessons on how to be more civil, but divorce is almost always difficult, even under the best of circumstances. So many tears, arguments, screams and nightmares come with the experience of divorce – the more emotional the players, the more dangerous the game becomes. A time of great change and great learning, my childhood stretched my emotional capacity to its limits and forever changed my trajectory in life, but I can only imagine how hard this time must have been for my parents.

Together since 20, at 26 they became the first of their friends, and more than likely their relatives, to experience the concept and head into the painful unknown. Being the first, they knew no teachers able to guide them through this extremely tumultuous time. Unbeknownst to them, they were riding a social “tidal wave” as the concept lost its taboo and peaked in the 80s.

Counting blessings

As a child, I was a victim of my parent’s divorce, so bear little to no responsibility and instead dealt with choices outside of my control. For my parents, they were the stars and the spotlight belonged to no one else. A harsh hand dealt to two people who had longed to feel special all of their lives. They were the ones who had to make the choice to upend our family, to admit they were inside a mistake that neither were able to fix, to see that there was no future that included both of them together. They had “failed” and no one could save them. To fail with no hope for redemption is a brutal experience for a human being, the harshest type of accountability we can experience.

The pain of emptiness is all consuming. Having something one day, then waking the next without it, gnawed at my insides and created a hole that took years to refill. Divorce makes it terrifying to trust anything or anyone. When your family is broken, your safety and belonging are challenged and one must recreate a solid ground alone. Hesitancy, anxiety, fear and uncertainty fill the psyche and become a constant enemy that fights viciously to overtake one’s soul.

Yet, I consider myself one of the lucky ones in the entire experience. Overall, I still had love. I loved them, they loved my brother and I, so even though we were breaking a part I didn’t have to to lose those emotional bonds; they would just be different. Of course, this mature understanding of the situation did not come easily. It took years of research, therapy, schooling, and maturing to come to terms and heal, and it left lasting scars. Scars, however, that I find bittersweet and am grateful for as they combined to create who I am today, and now allow me to see the situation from multiple perspectives.

Take heed countrymen & women

We think divorce is an easy way out. Americans today are happy to talk about what the land will look like in a civil war, how we want people who think differently to die, how great it would be if “X group” didn’t live in America any more. Those are the thoughts of children. Those are the thoughts of privileged people who have never experienced a group or family dismantled. Those are thoughts of humans who have either never experienced real loss, or are so spiteful for how much loss they have experienced that they want all to suffer along with them.

My parents were young, inexperienced at life and had no connections equipped enough to bridge the gaps that existed between them. Their reality became full of distrust, fighting, and pain; a perceived source for all of their unhappiness. They believed the only way forward was to fail together and dissolve the union. Their coupling had grown so toxic that the only path forward was to separate. Believing they were too different to bridge the gaps, they made the choice I believe they regretted for much of their lives. The strange thing is, they didn’t devolve because they were too different. Sure, they see life differently in some ways, but the thing that broke them was the fact that they were too emotionally the same.

The ties that bind us

Both inadvertently ached for the same thing. An ache that created a shared commiseration that was unable to be filled by the couple they created. The bond they shared was ultimately the same thing that pushed them apart. Neither of them felt they had ever really experienced unconditional love and support. They wanted what most of us want…someone to recognize what made them special.

Neither realized the depth of the hole this left in themselves or each other. This lack of realization meant they were unable to fill these holes within themselves or each other. Over the years, this continued to cause anger, frustration and ultimately resentment. They were unable to see that the same insecurities that plagued them also existed within the other. Even if they had, their age and lack of experience left them unequipped to help the other.

Of course, back in the mid-80s neither understood this. All they really understood is that they felt unappreciated and unloved. They were not getting what had been promised, because they did not understand the promise in the first place. It started with little things: slights, jokes, and spending less time together. It grew to outright cheating, and then anything to impose the same hurt they were feeling. Hatred was easier than fixing anything, blaming was easier than admitting anything, and so came the divorce. Each were convinced the issue was with the other, and both claimed to be the victim. They never really looked inside to see their contribution to the problem, and neither fully understood their affect on the situation. Neither wanted to see the shared pain, misery and confusion that they both had caused.

Americans think this is what they want. We like to feel we are ready for war. But that’s because we watch too much unrealistic media. Divorce is a breakdown of a shared culture. It happens when we not only stop getting what we want, but it starts to feel impossible to get what we need. The problem with America today is that our wants and needs are all mixed up. We need to redefine and reassess what matters. Take stock in what we have and really think about the importance associated with whatever we feel may be missing.

If not….

Divorce is a cool war, not a cold one. Everything is okay until it’s not. We can live on our phones talking smack to each other, feeling happy at the zingers we sling, and all is fun and games until both sides want to control the same thing. The first time both parties desire the same thing tensions rise and anger flares. In a divorce, the law takes over and the fights take place between lawyers and mediators, with violence a rare occurrence. This will not be the case if our country divorces. If our country divorces the fights will take place on the streets, in our neighborhoods and our cities with little regard for the law.

This divorce will be messy. While our country once had many neighborhoods whose inhabitants saw life from a similar vein, those borders have turned to vapor and diversity crisscrosses our land. America has been restructured based upon preference and much less based upon necessity or segregation. People live where they like: city/country/suburbs, hot weather vs. cold weather lovers, etc. All races, sexes, genders, shapes and sizes fit within each of our segments and Americans of all kinds live side by side.

What on earth do we think this would look like if any groups tried to secede? Who will give up their coasts, town squares, city councils and other aspects of life to move elsewhere and take up sides to fight a silly war? Ideas are grand, awareness is good, but action often looks different in practice. We need to be realistic. We need to take a breath. Let’s all be a bit more mature than my young parents exploring love and family for the first time.

Moving Forward

Groups at odds must first be understood if we want to erase their anger. Our hurt drives us towards hate. Hurt that comes from many places: changes that are too quick, or not quick enough; intercultural misunderstandings; dreams that feel out of reach; assumptions about our character; a lack of trust and/or empathy in our daily lives. Many of our people are suffering from feelings they struggle to understand, and emotions they are unable to diffuse. While it is unthinkable to believe one blog post can help bring clarity to these issues, I will humbly offer one strategy that has helped me and mine create a strong culture of trust. My hope is that this suggestion could help one or more people out there, and the more we can help the less chance we have of tearing our country apart.

AFDA

The AFDA method helps to transition our emotions to something manageable and proactively provides a path to harmony.

A – Admit – In order to solve anything, we must first admit what is happening. Identify and define the issue to provide clarity to the emotions one is feeling.

Example: I am feeling hurt because my spouse over talks me when I am sharing things I feel are important. This hurt makes me doubt myself and resent them.

F – Forgive – It’s totally okay to feel any emotion one feels. All emotions are human and natural and we do not have to be perfect. Our feelings do not make us unsavory. Our spiteful actions spawned from our emotions cause our shame or self disappointment.

Example: It is totally okay that I feel these emotions. I am human and deserve to be listened to because I matter.

D – Decide – Decide what you want. Do you want to be right? Do you want the other person to admit they were wrong in their actions? Do you want things to change? What should it look like? REMEMBER: It is often not possible to be right AND get what we want. It is important to choose which is the most important part in order to be successful.

Example: It is important to me to fix this because I do not want to feel this way any longer. I should find a way to share this with my spouse in a constructive manner to help us move forward together. Even if I am the victim, and did nothing to cause this I need to take control of the situation as my happiness is up to me. If I do not speak about this, or find a way to fix it then I am allowing myself to live in a vicious cycle that will cause me pain.

A – Act – Put your decision into action. Divide the action into steps if necessary and reassess along the way. REMEMBER: Action often needs repetition to create new habits. Do not be discouraged if things are not fixed right away. Keep repeating this process, if necessary, until you get the desired results.

This is the start of our Belonging – understanding the problems in order to create the necessary solutions. Seeing our part and doing our part to help change things for the better. Please join me next time when we dive deeper into our bridging our gaps and uncover additional ingredients necessary to raise our vibrations and scale Maslow’s hierarchy.

Scaling Maslow’s hierarchy – Part Three – The road to Survival

Heading into survival, all bets are off. Fear rules the day, and wariness presents itself in all interactions. Scarcity abounds and life becomes a daily fight to make it to the next morning.

As a country, we are heading towards a collective Survival experience at breakneck speed. Our illusion of control is beginning to melt away, and our desired state of prosperity is fading due to the sheer amount of incidents that are becoming difficult to ignore. Emotions have taken hold of our psyches, more negative than not, and our connections to each other are paper thin, dangling over ever growing flames.

A pile of problems

Survival is not usually a chosen state. In fact, it is a state that many fear and strive to stay away from at all costs. When Survival is at our door our anxiety heightens and depression claws at our throats making it difficult to swallow. Our dreams of safety and comfort are no longer a possibility and we are faced with the choice of running, fighting or falling into a strong state of denial.

Every day more Americans are slipping into this state as we wade through an ever growing trend of epidemics. At the time of this writing we are dealing with: a worker shortage, inflation, water shortages, supply chain breakdown, collective trauma from the Covid-19 pandemic, opioid & overdose epidemics, our failure in Afghanistan, discontent with China, wildfires in the west, floods in the east, plus upticks in crime, suicide, murder and aggression all at the same time.

These stressors may not even be understood by a large swath of our populace, but one needs not to watch the news or even be online to feel the heavy blanket of aggression, fear, frustration and strife that is covering our country. Feelings that we cannot process because they are not understood are the most dangerous we can have as they often cause us to lash out uncontrollably in ways that we would never imagine.

We need to find a way to release the anger, and who better, we think, than to target those who believe in a different world view. Debates turn into fistfights, we scream dirty words at each other online hoping to crush the receiver with little care that there is another human on the other end of the line. We are in dangerous territory, and one where few of our populace has any idea of how to survive if this shit gets real.

If we continue down this path, things will eventually bottom out. Perhaps it is inevitable. Common knowledge tells us that it is only by hitting rock bottom that we achieve clarity and can then progress towards something greater. That may be true, and for many IS true, however those who see this as a “win” tend to forget that hitting rock bottom first starts with a path full of self destruction. Very often bringing one to the brink of death. On a larger scale, this path is exponentially worse, bringing about war and the collapse of society.

Propping things up

Why, if so many tragedies are in our midst, can we not see what is headed our way and correct ourselves?

Our size makes it difficult for our citizens to experience similar tragedies simultaneously.
- While the West is burning, the South is flooding and neither can empathetically understand what the other is going through.
- If one grocery store runs out of resources, many can simply drive a bit further to obtain what they want.
Technology
- Our technological prowess has added a complexity and a solidity to our structure that we will strive to keep as long as possible. Renewable energies will most likely guarantee that a majority of our populace will always have some connection to civilization of some sort for the foreseeable future so we do not sweat a collapse.
Money
- Often when things get bad, we have a tendency to throw money at the populace and hope the issues go away. Sometimes this money is set up wisely, but many times it is a short stop gap that then allows crony capitalist tendencies and leads us into the next disaster with little regard for any lessons we may have learned.

Our belief

The biggest reason we cannot see what is headed our way is our belief in ourselves as a people and as a nation. Since birth over the past few generations we have been bred to have an overwhelming sense of belief in America and its people. We live in a country that loves to be in love with ourselves. American exceptionalism is often seen as a matter of fact. Ask most Americans, no matter what “side” they are on and they will agree that we have the strongest economy, the strongest military, and freedom, God, and democracy seem to thrive here more than anywhere else.

Americans tend to believe the fairy tales and heroic episodes that Hollywood creates. Heroes constantly triumph over dystopian rulers and other evil doers that would cause us pain and give us hope that we will see the same endings in real life. Our written history latches onto our successes (WWII, Civil rights, the moon landing, etc.) and mitigates our failures ( the Vietnam war, slavery, the war on drugs, etc.) finding reasons to explain away our mistakes rather than learn from them.

This tendency for optimism also expands to our own lives, especially when it comes to our survival. One in five people do not believe we will ever have an apocalypse, and of those who do a large amount (42%) believe they would survive a week or more during one.

Many of us like to fantasize that we are the ones who will kick it into gear. We will be a leader, or at least second in command, making the hard choices, finding supplies and survivors, banding the group together when things get tough. At the same time, only about 17% of Americans have a plan today if an apocalypse should occur. I suppose it is possible to survive without a plan, living by one’s wits and a little bit of luck, but I’m not sure if that many people are witty or lucky.

Harbingers of the future

Many examples of what this new normal could look like are foreshadowed in our world today. Take Lebanon for example: their economy collapsed under the weight of multiple catastrophes and the government finally succumbed to their (often self inflicted) wounds. Whenever we hear that a government has collapsed it probably brings with it images of buildings destroyed, terror running rampant, people running fearfully for their lives, but in real life it can be much more quiet and unassuming.

A Sorted History

Looking at Lebanon can provide us a window into what we may have in store for us if we continue heading down our path of divisiveness, greed and ignorance. Lebanon’s citizens headed for the same civil war that other countries balanced on the border of in the 60’s and 70’s, and due to a lack of interference from the outside world, this civil war lasted until the 1990’s. While we were waking up to the internet, they were waking up to a new beginning of hope and peace. That uneasy peace between the people is now on the edge of failure once more as the country has slipped into a place of survival.

How did this happen? The world was convinced that Lebanon’s worst days were behind them as they worked their way past their civil war. Soon after the tribulations it became touted as “a vacation spot, a tourist mecca, home to a thriving middle class” it was a beautiful, vibrant country that felt like it had weathered the worst that fate had to offer. Underneath, however, they were still being plagued with insolence, corruption and greed, creating an economy more similar to a house of cards.

Then in 2019, a huge explosion that destroyed much of their grain reserves became the straw that broke the camel’s back. The government lost confidence in itself and disbanded, banks froze withdrawals, medicine availability dropped, periodic blackouts are the norm. 70% of the population doesn’t have enough food or money to buy food, and people are waiting in gasoline lines for hours a day with no luck and little hope.

A possible future

Their country is experiencing a collapse that could lead to them becoming a failed state. A series of events, both intended and by accident, that slowly deteriorated a society’s belief in itself and created a slippery slope for the populace. While this is happening in a smaller middle eastern country, we must not be so arrogant to think the same situation couldn’t or wouldn’t happen here.

Our size, our money, and our standing in the world allows a type of myopia that is dangerous. Focusing only on ourselves it is hard to see that our country has already broken into multiple pieces. The size of those pieces allow a mass delusion of comfort, but make no mistake, the pieces are still cracked and severed.

We may believe that we are invincible, but if we are not careful reality may be quite different than we imagine. Especially seeing as we have made and continue to make similar mistakes. We prop things up continuously, allowing our economy and our government to be hollowed out. Our constant desire for more our only saving grace to keeping this system intact. While our pasting and stapling have seemed to stave off the worst thus far, do not be fooled. Our apocalypse is on the horizon, in fact it is already here, and will feel more like a slow moving death.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.salon.com%2F2010%2F12%2F06%2Famerica_collapse_2025%2F&psig=AOvVaw3ZCVXJ_PSG4w7Y-V0Aqtka&ust=1635081402869000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAsQjRxqFwoTCJCgnorR4PMCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAG

Jared Diamond, a renowned anthropologist predicted this slow road to societal failure in his book Collapse: How Societies choose to fail or succeed in 2015, when discussing the possibility of a collapse of the United States. He says “Much more likely than a doomsday scenario involving human extinction or an apocalyptic collapse of industrial civilization would be “just” a future of significantly lower living standards, chronically higher risks, and the undermining of what we now consider some of our key values“. (Diamond, 2015)

Correcting our Vision

Lebanon’s shared culture and collectivism has allowed them to stave off mass chaos, but war is already on the streets and is only getting worse. Our unshared culture and home grown division will push us to the brink more quickly, at each other’s throats like a couple in the throes of a horrific divorce. In order to stop our forward progression towards destruction, we must first decide that our countrymen and women are friends, not foes. Only by bridging our divides can we stem this path towards destruction. This means creating a new social contract where we are all bound together by the things we have in common, and distancing ourselves for a time from that which divides us. We can create a path towards Belonging. The work will be difficult, but worth not losing our country or ourselves.

Next time we investigate this path towards Belonging and the necessary ingredients we need to activate in order to move towards a more peaceful environment.

Scaling Maslow’s hierarchy – Part One

What if the answers to solving our problems are right in front of us? Maybe we just need to take another look. Reaching into the past, seeing ideas another way, can help us uncover how best to move forward. This has been my focus for the past few years, and here I will attempt to describe my findings in the plainest way possible. This series will dive into the details of Maslow’s theory, what it is, where it came from, and most importantly, how it can be used to help us understand the mysteries of our current environment. Using this as a prism, we will examine our past, the path we took collectively to arise at our present, and what our options are for our collective future. Part One provides an overview of the theory and sets the tone for the remainder of the series.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs

Many people have heard of, or have even studied, Maslow’s hierarchy, but often it is nothing more than a mention of human behavior or a short blurb in a text book. Rarely do we truly understand it at it’s depths, or what it really looks like in practice.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is an idea in psychology proposed by Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper “A theory of Human Motivation” in the journal Psychological Review. Wikipedia

Comprised of five levels: Physiological needs (aka Survival), Safety, Belonging, Esteem and Self-actualization, Maslow’s hierarchy is seen as a way to explain our trek through life. Seen as a pyramid, each level can be compared to a video game, where each level must be completed prior to focusing on the next. Each level is so consuming that even if the needs above are offered the subject may ignore or not understand them as they focus on the level they are working to satisfy.

Understanding the Pyramid

Survival focuses on obtaining a consistent influx of the necessary things we need to survive: food, water, shelter, rest.
The Safety level concentrates on keeping that consistent influx secure as well as creating an environment where one does not constantly live in fear.
Belonging awakens our need to fit into a community, to find a partner or a group and create a family where one feels loved and is able to give love to others.
Esteem brings with it the desire for respect and a need to be seen for what one can provide to their communities and to the world. When working on the esteem level we become focused on our reputations, how the world sees us and what we are able to achieve in life.
Last, but not least, if one is able to attain each of the previous levels they will then move on to self-actualization. Maslow describes the desire at this level as “what a man can be, he must be.” (Maslow, 1943) This level’s goal is “self-fulfillment” or living up to one’s potential. The epitome of being able to create one’s best environment in which they can thrive.

Two sides of the coin

As with most things, each level comes with their own tradeoffs, as well as repercussions to ourselves and our place in society if we are unable to meet them.

Not meeting survival often means a cessation of one’s life or at least their ability to care for themselves. When one must solely concentrate their day on getting enough food to eat, a place to sleep, enough rest to function and clean water to drink there is little time for anything else – even with the best of intentions.
Having the basics, but not feeling safe, leaves one anxious, fearful and constantly on guard.
Struggling to reach belonging, something many people suffer from today, leaves people with a hardened heart, a lack of empathy and a spiteful outlook on life.
A lack of esteem, or the inability to seek and/or discover one’s purpose leaves us with a feeling of inferiority, a low self-esteem, and a horrible sense of depression. We feel we do not matter, are not needed, and have no direction.
An inability to reach self-actualization creates a feeling that one has failed at life.

A Shared Experience

Normally, Maslow’s theory has been focused on an individual perspective; something each of us work through during our lifetime. However, I believe that throughout history, all humans have worked to fulfill these needs both individually and as a group (comprised of one’s family, community, nation and/or world) in both conscious and unconscious ways.

Our world is an organism, and has many attributes that we could ascribe to a human being. Many theorize that we also have a shared consciousness affected by our feelings, thoughts and actions. Our world can grow to be harmonious or hellish depending on what we value, how we treat each other and what we digest. Just like we need to keep our own bodies healthy, it is extremely important for us all to keep our nations healthy as well. Given the ability to be healthy and find fulfillment, we then collectively are able to have empathy for our neighbor and want our citizens to attain their highest and best.

However, when our bodies are sick we do not function well and become divisive and angry. Illness leaves us often unable to think clearly and we portray negative emotions such as anxiety, fear, stress, depression and judgement. The same happens to our society when we have an inordinate amount of people in our community that are unwell and are struggling to be well. When we have many who are unable to achieve the basic needs in life, feel safe and feel like they belong, we will all suffer the consequences sooner or later. This is why it is important to study our society as a whole using these theories to provide us a lay of the land.

Why this matters

Seeing the world in this way allows us to formulate an understanding of the problems we face. While one theory is not the entire answer, this theory allows us a place to start. We will discuss other theories in future series and compare and contrast their affect on our world. As we see the connections and overlaps, we can start to construct a holistic view of where our nation is struggling and how best to overcome these obstacles to self-actualization. Seeing the truth of the matter helps us to create plans that allow us to diminish these issues.

For example, the Essential Elements of life focuses on helping our Explorers navigate the levels of Belonging, Esteem and Self-Actualization. With our Finding Fusion programs we help people to shed the layers of stress, find fulfillment and create a balanced life. Knowing where you, your community and your nation are at collectively helps us see where to start. Learning the necessary skills to move up the levels can help us find other ways to raise our collective vibrations and create a collective future that works for everyone.

Next week – Part Two – Our current level is Safety